Onward and Upward

The True Gifts

2010-07-25T23:06:00.003-04:00

As I sit at my computer, awake later than I meant to be, I can't help but smile. My two daughters, sitting at the counter behind me, are singing along to music from the show Glee. They are singing heart and soul, making each other laugh with each bad note, each false start, and belting it all out like they were onstage in front of thousands.

The love between them is palpable. What more could a mother ask for?

I've Done It Now!

2010-07-24T17:48:00.003-04:00

A little over a week ago, my entourage and I arrived at my aunt and uncle's house in my home town. The entourage included my brother, driving the moving truck and towing my daughter's car, my two daughters driving my car, and their uncle and cousin coming up with us for a vacation.

Now I have more or less settled in, storing a huge pile of stuff I apparently can't live without and filling my little living space to it's gills. It's cozy, but I like it.

So now I've had a few moments to sit and think. And I think "What Have I Done??". I have no job lined up or any serious prospects for a job. Meanwhile my bank account keeps shrinking. My cousin had to talk me off the ledge, so to speak, already. The looks I get from everyone when I tell them I have no job are disconcerting, to say the least. They bemoan the high unemployment rate here of 8 1/2 percent.

So I have to remind myself that a) I left an area that had 11 1/2 percent unemployment; b) I am an intelligent, hard-working person who has always been able to get work when I wanted to; and most of all, c) I truly believe God led me here, as I am NOT the kind of person who takes such risks. I've never done anything this risky before.

Another good sign is that my daughter, who needs to work part-time while going to school here this year, was offered two jobs on the same day. She is deciding this weekend which job she will take. So I could work a few part-time jobs and come out all right, I suppose.

I have a feeling this blog could be very therapeutic for me.

The Little Joys of Teaching

2010-03-18T16:42:00.003-04:00

Although I will be leaving my teaching position behind at the end of the school year, it's experiences like today's that will leave me misty and nostalgic.

Aaron, an adorable, kind-hearted little boy in the next classroom, found me sitting on a swing on the playground when his class joined mine. Aaron has Asperger's Syndrome. Among other things, he is incredibly bright, but inarticulate, seldom makes eye contact, and has an unusual gait when he walks. His teacher pushes him on the swings daily to encourage him to use his leg and arm muscles in coordination.

Sooo, anyway. Aaron came up behind me and started pushing me gently on the swing. I have not personally exercised in months and months and have put on a lot of weight. Oh hell - I'm obese. Let's be honest here. Dear Aaron says in a voice only a speech therapist could love, "Mrs. Clok, you have a vewy big butt in da swing." Did I mention another characteristic of those with Asperger's is that they have NO social filter? I said, "Yes, I do, don't I, Aaron?"

Aaron: How did you get your butt in da swing?

Me: Well, I...

Aaron: How you gonna get your butt out da swing?

By now I was laughing quietly so I didn't hurt his feelings. He had NO idea he was inappropriate.

Aaron: We need to pinch your butt outta da swing.

Me: YEOWW!! (Did I mention he is also very literal?)

Aaron: See? We pinch your butt and you are outta da swing!

Did I mention I was in the swing Aaron usually swings in? Cause I was, but no worries. He had pinched my big butt right out of it. His teacher and I laughed for the next five minutes. And Aaron swung happily. After school today, I passed Aaron in the hall. He took my hand gently in his, stared at my enormous butt, and said, "Mrs. Clok, I helped you get your butt outta da swing today." And then he walked off.

I Have an Objection..

2010-02-16T00:35:00.003-05:00

Last month I posted about possibly teaching ESL when I move up to New York. It would allow me to work with an immigrant/migrant population, which I love. At the time, I asked if anyone thought this was a horrible idea.

Since I have no actual readers... no one responded. Over the past several weeks I have been battling migraine pretty much none stop. I fight it off during the week with medication and caffeine, and then my head implodes on the weekends.

Which has lead me to some soul searching this weekend. I have not felt well enough to even write short posts on my mostly therapeutic blog. How will I have the health and energy necessary to work a new job in a new state with a whole new set of laws and procedures to learn AND attend night classes to get my Master's degree?

I won't.

My original intent was to lead a simpler, healthier life. That is still my goal. The reality of health insurance and cash to pay the bills still weighs on me, but this past weekend, which consisted of Demerol and sleep Saturday, Lortab and sleep Sunday, and barely staying awake long enough to visit with family for a few hours today, reminds me I do not function the way I used to or want to.

And that's reality, too.

MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

2010-01-22T03:53:00.004-05:00

Since last Thursday, my school has raised not $1000.00...

but $2000.00

towards the sponsorship of

Shelter Boxes

to send to Haiti!

All from children and adults sending in cash and checks.

Don't tell me people are selfish. I know better.

Click here to learn about Shelter Boxes.

Closer I Get, Step by Step...

2010-01-18T21:50:00.007-05:00

Over the past several weeks I have learned many things about myself. I hate inhalers, bronchitis, and being in bed all the time.

On the plus side, I've unearthed the things in my life (besides my family) that give me true joy. My thirst for history - personal histories - of the people who came before us and settled this nation. My affinity for those who come to this great nation to make something better for themselves and their own families, and my sense of accomplishment at creating something beautiful and useful.

Looks like I may be on my way to fulfilling one of those great joys. A wonderful friend of my brother and sister-in-law's has been checking on ESL teaching positions for me. It seems there is a critical shortage in New York State, so with my experiences in Florida, I stand a halfway decent chance. I could start working as long as I was enrolled to get my NY certification. This would give me the opportunity to work with immigrant and migrant families, which I love, while providing a decent income, stability, and health insurance benefits, which my head and I need.

If anybody has an opinion on why this is an absolutely horrid idea, I would like to hear it NOW. Before I jump into another teaching job (which I swore I wouldn't do...)

Help for Haiti in a Box

2010-01-14T22:06:00.006-05:00

I know you have read and heard about the devastating earthquake which has caused untold death and destruction in the small, impoverished country of Haiti.

This morning I clicked on a link that lead me to a relief organization called Shelter Box. This amazing organization sends 49 gallon boxes filled with a ten man tent, sleeping mats and blankets, pots and pans, dishes, utensils, rope, a hatchet, tools, water purification tablets, a 5 gallon jug, paper and crayons for the children and the list continues!

What a practical and immediate godsend to people who are sleeping in the street and surrounding themselves with rubble to keep from being hit by cars. What a source of security, comfort, and hope for children who sit on curbs covered in the dust of destruction.

My entire school community is rallying to raise the $1000 it takes to fill and deliver one Shelter Box. However, it is easy and quick to donate any amount of money on the Shelter Box website. Please, please consider this practical and tangible aid for the people of Haiti.

P.S. I was excited to read on facebook this evening that 400 Shelter Boxes were deployed to Haiti today, and another 600 boxes will be deployed tomorrow.

Me Too, Buddy... Me Too

2010-01-08T23:09:00.003-05:00

Quick anecdote - it's late.

Picture this: my classroom, 18 second graders in various degrees of choosing to follow directions - or not.

Me: Please clear off your desks and then come join me on the carpet. We have time for a short story before lunch.

Several little wigglers run, walk, or dive into the library area of my classroom. They have assigned seats to make lessons run smoothly. The procedure is to face front and sit "criss - cross".

One of my first arrivals, Danny, who is tall and a big boy, starts to settle himself onto the floor. As he maneuvers his legs into position, he sighs a big weary sigh.

Danny: I'm getting too old for this.

Me (in my head, although I may have mumbled it under my breath): Me too, buddy... me too.

Reason # 5,298 to Leave My Job

2010-01-07T21:15:00.005-05:00

I sat in a faculty meeting on Wednesday to hear about how we are to document and proceed with remediation for any and all children who need it. The remediation part is not a problem - I do it, we all do it. However, it will take more time to document and graph - yes, graph - the ongoing results of said remediation than we will actually spend helping the child. When we were asked to share our "Aha" moments with the faculty, several teams said they had no Ahas. There's were OMGs! This is only one of many, many situations. I generally spend 50 to 60 hours a week at school, as do many of my colleagues. I know teaching is not more stressful than many other careers out there - it's just the one I happen to be living with.

I have had migraines since I was 5. It was not until six or seven years ago that they got really nasty. In the past couple years, they have become chronic - I have migraine pain more often than not to some degree. Stress exacerbates these tremendously. I spend a great deal of my evenings and weekends in bed because of them. Which leads me to my osteoarthritis. I used to walk for exercise, but now I'm in bed so often, that's not really happening. So I have chronic pain from that. And now my bronchitis. It won't go away. I've had it since shortly after Thanksgiving. I'm allergic to cats, but have kept them because they are my only company when I'm stuck in bed with my migraines, which is most weekends, because my job has become so stressful. I finally conceded this evening they must go.

If I could figure out how to pay the bills, I think I would turn in my resignation tomorrow.

Why Would I Want to Manage Stress?

2010-01-06T20:26:00.002-05:00

I have been under a little stress. For awhile now. Since about 1995. That's when I became sole breadwinner for a family of five for awhile, developed chest pains, and decided I wasn't going to live much longer.

I survived, sans husband, plus debt, but the stress just keeps building. The largest portion of my stress, in 1995 and today, comes from my job. That seems to be the case for most people, according to several studies. Job stress is a huge issue in this country, costing millions of dollars in health care and lost wages each year.

Today as I sat in the doctor's office for the third time in a little over a month, I pondered what my health might be like as a self-bosser. Would I be taking on even more stress as I let go of steady paychecks and the security that comes with being one of the flock?

Later I read Pastaqueen, the blog of someone I admire, another migraine sufferer who has become a freelance writer. She admitted in her post that one of the reasons she chose to leave a regular job to freelance is because of her health. She needed to be able to lie down when it was necessary and work when she felt like it.

That got me to thinking about my migraines and how hard it has become to work the past few years. I also thought about how stress exacerbates my migraine, most of which is job related. I read several articles on how to reduce job stress. Most offered suggestions such as doing yoga in your office, stepping outside for ten minutes for a breath of fresh air, making sure you don't work through lunch or coffee breaks, managing your time better, and even hitting the company gym around 6 so you could go back to work refreshed when you have a big project due.

Are you laughing? I was just shaking my head. I teach a room full of 7 and 8 year olds. I imagine many of you are also in jobs that aren't exactly corporate office type positions. Can you see me dropping a yoga mat to find my inner bliss while the native went wild? And what shall I do with the kiddos while I'm stepping out for fresh air? I, like many people, don't actually get coffee or any kind of ten minute breaks during the day. And if you are hitting the company gym at 6 p.m., well, that's nice that there is one, but that only means the company expects you to hang around way later in the day than you should.

I don't think managing stress is all that great an idea. Even if you manage it, it's still there. According to a British Medical Journal study, stress has been linked to metabolic syndrome, type II diabetes, and heart disease. A much better plan for me is to decrease my stress by doing something I love, planning my time around a balanced life that includes a healthy diet and exercise, working when I feel good and resting when I need it, and if I want to yank out a yoga mat or step outside for a breath of fresh air, I will be totally free to do so!

Note to Self: It's Just a Phone

2010-01-05T19:43:00.005-05:00

One of my least favorite things to do is make business phone calls. I avoid them very creatively, citing a long list in my head of why now is not a good time to make such phone calls.

Soandso's mom will be driving right now because she just picked little Sondso up from school. It's not a good time for her to talk on the phone.

I only have 15 minutes left of my planning period. The doctor's office always puts me on hold and I'll need time to go to the bathroom before I pick up my kids - there just isn't time for this.

Ms. Office Person probably won't be at her desk anyway, and I don't want to play phone tag.

Yes, I am aware these are all extremely lame excuses. I tend to avoid phone conversations because I am not nearly so intelligent sounding on the other end of a phone as I am in writing. I don't feel eloquent, witty, or even all that coherent sometimes. I tend to pause and think, which even my own children sometimes misconstrue as a dropped call. Alexander Graham Bell made it look so easy. It's ironic that my dad worked for the phone company for 30 years. I think I've been emotionally scarred and have some repressed memories about telephones or something. I dunno.

Of major concern to me is the fact that someone who owns their own business will fail in a large way if she doesn't pick up that phone over and over again and make those calls. Because I would like to be my own boss someday, I am taking this on as a needed skill that I am going to sharpen over the next several months, starting today.

I made all three phone calls on my "list of icky phone calls" this afternoon. As it turned out, Soandso's mom didn't answer her phone and I had to leave a message, Ms. Office Person was, indeed, not at her desk, so I left her a message also. On the bright side, I have a doctor's appointment made for tomorrow afternoon, which was a lucky fluke. I'm glad I followed through with that call!

It's a start.

So What Have You Got to Offer?

2010-01-04T19:45:00.008-05:00

So my next step in figuring out what I wanna be when I grow up is to think about what assets I already possess. This is tricky, because we tend to think of assets in terms of dollars and cents. In which case I'd be in deep doo doo. Thankfully, each of us has more to offer than our bank accounts.

In determining my assets, I must think of the things I already own, the experiences and knowledge I already have, and the traits I possess which can be used in a positive way.

This is my list, to which I will add as I think of things:

A reliable car with fairly low mileage
Basic knowledge of both Mac and PC platforms
20 + years of inservices on teamwork, cooperative learning, consensus building, etc.
A wicked sense of humor
A love of internet research
Contacts within the field of education, art, immigrant and migrant services, and history
An ability to work on several projects/tasks at one time
Supportive kids who are grown and on their own
Bright, creative relatives to brainstorm ideas with
My experience working with migrant students and adults wanting to learn English
My ability to write coherently
Good organizational skills
The ability to plan step by step
Social oriented personality

Just making this list reminds me that I have a lot to offer before I even get started! Try this if you are thinking of being your own boss, or even if you're just feeling a little down about yourself.

It's a great way to remind yourself of your strengths - all the things you have going for you right now!

By the way, the idea for listing your assets comes from the book Making a Living Without a Job by Barbara Winter, which I mentioned in a previous post. I am learning scads about myself while

reading her book!

Give Me an E, Give Me an S...

2010-01-03T14:45:00.006-05:00

Today while I was continuing my research, I Googled "self-employed personality" just to see if I might find something that would confirm that my personality even suits working for myself. Several sites dealt with the Myers-Briggs personality test, which I am familiar with, but had forgotten about. It's quite possible I may have taken it at some point in my teaching career, but I can't remember - seems vaguely familiar.

Anyway, I clicked on a site or two, which helped me figure out I am an ESTJ: extrovert, sensing, thinking, judging. Although I didn't take the test this time, years of teacher inservices and personal reflection have helped me figure all that out!

A British website I found, called TeamTechnology, listed the traits of an ESTJ in great detail. It was like they cracked open my brain and figured me out without ever meeting me!

Extrovert - prefers working with people than alone; likes to manage and take charge

Sensing - gather information through my five senses; what's real, here and now

Thinking - approaches situations with logic, rather than feelings

Judgement - makes plans and decisions; likes a sense of control through predictibility

The good news is, I can see the traits I have that would make me a good self-bosser, and I'm beginning to understand how the tighter and tighter restraints of my job have been frustrating and depressing me to the point of no longer finding any joy in what I do. Further, I can see how I have become fairly negative about my job, in which logic seems to have gone out the window.

And, after perusing a couple other sites, I have learned Sam Walton, the founder of WalMart, and John D. Rockefeller were also ESTJs. That gives me great hope that I can be successful enough, in whatever I put my mind to, to keep me out of the poorhouse!

Researching Me

2010-01-02T14:37:00.004-05:00

One of the things I have learned I'm pretty good at is research. Thank goodness for the Internet and Google. What was my life like without them??

As I began to consider the possibilities of making my own living, rather than working for someone else, I came across a book called Making a Living Without a Job by Barbara Winter.

I love this book, because it is part inspirational, part self-analyzing, and part how-to.

I tend to want to learn all about how to do something before I take the time to figure out what qualities I possess and what background knowledge I already have that would help me be successful. I am great at self-reflection after the fact, which generally involves picking apart my mistakes and ruminating on my shortcomings.

What a novel concept to me to analyze my strengths, my interests and personality BEFORE learning something completely new or taking on a new project. Ms. Winter's book starts off with a section entitled "Getting to Know Your New Boss", which would be me. I read it through once; then I reread with my laptop in front of me, taking notes, answering questions and coming to some wonderful conclusions!

So far, I have determined I am excited about history, love working with immigrants, and miss terribly the sewing, knitting, crocheting, scrapbooking and other crafty things I used to have time to do. It has been exhilarating to be able to clarify what my passions are and consider how I could follow those passions in not only work, but in community service and creative endeavors!

I look forward to continuing Making a Living Without a Job as I figure out what my future holds.

Onward and Upward - Seriously.

2010-01-01T22:48:00.002-05:00

When I started this blog, I named it Onward and Upward, Life After 50 or something like that. Then I shortened it to Onward and Upward. Who cares what age I am, or you are, I wanted this blog to be inspiring, funny, and full of stories and information about improving my, and hopefully your, quality of life, no matter what your current circumstances.

Unfortunately, I have not stayed true to my mission, and instead have wandered somewhat aimlessly, a mirror of my actual life.

I am rededicating myself to my original mission - and at the same time, moving forward with some long awaited changes in my life.

Stay tuned as I look forward to

moving
changing careers or becoming self-employed
studying the history of my home town
becoming creative and crafty after years of being too busy
considering the possibility of suburban homesteading
learning how to serve the refugee population of the nearby city
gardening and frugality (to go with the change in career and likely cut in income).

Onward and Upward!

I Love My Dad!

2009-12-29T16:17:00.004-05:00

Look at that face. That is a good face right there. That is the face of the man who for years had a license plate frame that said "To know me is to love me". And I do. That's my dad.

He will be 80 years old in a few weeks, still plays golf, lives on his own, and I have to schedule visits because he and Carolyn, his wonderful girlfriend of 15 years, are often off seeing shows, going to dinners, and generally being social butterflies.

I have no great story to tell you. Although there are many stories about my dad that my family finds tremendously funny. I just wanted to put into print that I think my dad is a great guy.

MIA

2009-12-28T01:53:00.003-05:00

For the past month or so, since returning from my trip to New York, I have been trudging through work, bronchitis, sinus infection, migraine, and the unsettled feeling that I'm just not very happy with the way my life is going right now.

I'm working on how to correct that situation.

But I haven't fallen off the face of the earth. For the two or three of you who might be reading this!

Mom, What's That Smell?

2009-11-24T15:51:00.002-05:00

Eight hours or so into our road trip, as the temperatures dipped, my daughter and I both decided it was time for a little heat in the car. Shortly after that, we noticed a smell. Not an engine smell, thank goodness.

But it was unpleasant. I commented that it smelled like a dead animal. Being a Florida girl, my daughter commented that it smelled like dead lizard. Sadly, we know what this smells like. Small lizards are everywhere in Florida, and we have cats.

That seemed ridiculous, and we kept driving.

Early in the morning, we stopped at a rest area to freshen up and change into warmer clothes. In order to do this, I had to kick off my sneakers. My left sock had a horrid brown wet stain by my big toe. That's when I remembered thinking my sock was wadded up by my toe, as it felt snug.

I reached into my shoe, thinking I'd find some disgusting piece of food that had been stuck to my sock - you know - like a dried up grape or something. But no...

It was the shrunken remains of a lizard!!

IN MY SHOE!!

ALL DEADANDEVERYTHING!!!

And now I have a perfectly good running shoe that smells like the tomb of the unknown lizard. It smells horrid. I don't think even Heloise has any helpful hints on how to get rid of this smell and remaining residue, but if you've got any ideas, I'm all ears.

Over the River and Through the Woods...

2009-11-19T19:49:00.003-05:00

As the weekend approaches, we are checking off the last of the items on our to do lists. Mountains of laundry are almost finished, and my car hasn't looked or run so well in years.

ROAD TRIP!!

My last born - the incredibly cool chick giving you the thumbs up - and I are heading north on Saturday. She and I are on a road trip adventure to New York. After two days in my Hyundai, she might not be looking so positive anymore, but we'll see.

Our main goal is to take a tour of a college my sweet child plans to attend next fall. But for the other 3 and a half days we'll be home, it will be family, food, and fun in some form or another. And while Grandmother's house is no longer that far north, there is Great Aunt's house, Cousin's house, and Aunt's house. So we will get in our car and head over rivers, past woods, through mountains, into tunnels along Interstates to be with our loved ones for Thanksgiving.

I am thankful for that.

Are We Forgetting?

2009-11-11T18:00:00.002-05:00

This has been a trying year for many people. Aside from the usual life traumas, people have been dealing with a lot of stress. How long will my job hold out? When will I get a job? Are we going to lose the house?

So it's understandable that many people are focused on the day to day responsibilities of taking care of their families and keeping a roof over their heads.

But let's not forget the men and women who have served our country in peace time and at war.

Unlike rock stars or sports figures, they make little money, rarely become famous, and love our country more than their personal gain.

We are quick to make heroes of young men and women who can carry a tune in a revealing outfit or throw a steady pass to make a touchdown.

Let's remember our quiet heroes who have put on a uniform with an American flag and gone off to protect us - those who came back and those who didn't.

Thank you, Dad.

Thank you, Wilbur.

Thank you, Rick.

Thank you, Uncle Paul.

Thank you, son.

Thank you all.

*Graphic courtesy of Graphicsgarden.com

Quarantine Us. Please!

2009-11-05T18:35:00.004-05:00

Yesterday my ex took our 18 year old daughter to the doctor. She definitely has the flu. Her H1N1 test came back a "negative... maybe". Whatever. She has the flu and all it entails. Headache, fever, chills, body aches, sweats, loss of appetite.

So I stepped right up and called in sick to take care of my child. My plan was to make sure she got her fluids, clean my home, pay my bills, feed my "baby", make sure she slept plenty, do my laundry... You get the picture.

Then my migraine started. I slept more than she did. I did feed her breakfast, she did down 2 quarts of Gatorade, and she took a nice long nap. Not as long as mine, but whatever. I managed to load and run the dishwasher.

What happened to the good old days when doctors quarantined households with contagious diseases? I want that back! I want a big old sign on the door that says no one can enter and we can't leave. I want my child to be legally forced to rest and not worry about school or work when she's truly sick. Frankly, I could use another day of napping, my laundry still needs to be done, and I still need to get my bills paid!

Besides, I think my child and I should be taking daily naps for the next few days anyway. Who's with me on this??

Wanted: Life Coach for Poopyhead

2009-11-01T17:28:00.003-05:00

I don't feel philosophical today. Nor do I feel inspirational or even cranky. Not much fodder for a post. I am hungry, and extremely unmotivated. And poopy. I so love that word lately. It describes me without being actually vulgar.

Where is that life coach? Anyone want to volunteer? Anyone? Anyone?

I Need a Life Coach or a Large Sum of Money

2009-10-28T19:20:00.004-04:00

I'm having one of those weeks. It started last week really, and is sort of oozing over into this week.

Last Friday I stayed late at work, until around 7 actually, to try to catch up in my classroom. I got a fair amount done. Saturday I went back up to school and worked from 10:30ish until around 5. I felt good when I left. Every single paper graded, report cards mostly completed. I had my lesson plans completed for the upcoming week and my materials prepped for Monday.

Then Sunday came. I couldn't even get dressed. I was exhausted. I couldn't bring myself to clean house, do laundry or change the sheets on my bed.

It hasn't gotten any better. I've been staying late to have report card conferences at school. And now my classroom is a mess again. The papers are stacking back up, my house is still a disaster, and I have no clean clothes. And all I want to do is sleep. But that seems unlikely, as I need to get one decent outfit together for tomorrow, which is conference night at school. I will be at work until 7.

This is not working for me. I either need a personal assistant, whom I cannot afford, or a huge chunk of money to fall into my lap so I can retire. Anyone who would like to provide the assistant or the chunk of money, please contact me. Soon. I'm running out of steam.

Update

2009-10-22T18:58:00.002-04:00

So Nick, you've just won a clean bill of health after six years of life threatening illness, setbacks and trauma that kept you from pursuing your goals and ambitions.

What are you going to do know?

"I'm going to sign up for online courses to pursue a degree, because there's no time like the present!"

He really is a fantastic young man.

*Disclaimer - Nick didn't actually say the above, but he is doing what the quote says. And he is fantastic.

Oh Yeah... That's Right, People!

2009-10-19T18:41:00.003-04:00

Today was your better than average Monday, for both me and my students.

I got to watch a modeled writing workshop lesson, which meant I got to observe and learn, and my kids got the very rare treat of watching a movie in class.

This afternoon we had visitors from the area Search and Rescue volunteer organization talk to our classes about what to do if they got lost (hug a tree, by the way), and what equipment the group uses on their searches. The kids even got to take turns sitting in the organization's amphibious vehicle while the teachers took pictures.

What does any of that have to do with me and my daughter in the very dorky picture? It's because I am a big dork at heart. When one of my kids called to me at recess later to show me he was hugging a tree, I said, "Stay right there, I'm coming!" And I galloped across the yard like an old fool, calling all the way. It drew a big laugh from the 7 and 8 year old crowd, and one child said, "You are a cool lady."

I've been called a lot of things by students in my day, but now I can add "cool lady". Can't you tell by the photo??

My Hero!

2009-10-13T21:08:00.006-04:00

This is Nick. He was my student once upon a time. A typical fifth grade boy - good kid, great at sports, usually did well in school, had a close group of friends. Nice family. In fact, I later taught both his sister and brother, if memory serves me correctly.

Nick is my hero.

Six years ago, while still in high school, this boy with the easy smile was diagnosed with a brain tumor. Not cancerous, but the kind that grows and entwines itself in the brain. Still potentially lethal. While his peers were playing football or baseball and out doing all the things kids can't wait to do in high school, Nick was having brain surgery. Not once, or twice, but over the past six years, a total of, I believe, five times as the tumors regrew. MRIs are an annual event for him.

Last year, his surgeries caused an infection at one point. He now has seizures. But here's the thing...

Nick is my hero!

He has grown from a boy who was like any other teenager - wrapped up in sports and friends...

Into a young man of awe inspiring faith. He has humbled me with his positive outlook, his ready witness as to the goodness and glory of God. He shares his faith with others and I see what an incredible influence he has on his whole family, friends, and the community.

Today Nick had his regular MRI, and from what I can tell from all the comments I have read on facebook, his six years of darkness is lifting!! God has such great things planned for this courageous young man. I can't wait to see what great things Nick will accomplish.

God bless you again and again, Nick.

Early to Bed, Early to Rise

2009-10-06T20:05:00.003-04:00

I long for the good old days. Well, not MY good old days. Farther back. But without polio and scarlet fever and stuff like that.

I was in bed and drifting off to sleep at 8:00 last night. It was dark and I was tired. The pioneers went to bed with the sundown and rose with the sunrise. Their days revolved around the movement of the earth and the moon, rather than appointments, and meetings. They had a wisdom about just how much busyness you can put into 24 hours before it takes its toll. I love that.

I woke up at 3:30 this morning and had all the time in the world to sip my tea, grade some papers, read the news online. By six I'd ironed my skirt, had breakfast and was getting showered for work. I did all of this without the normal rushing, dread, and stress that usually comes from staying up too late, sleeping in too late, and then racing to get to work on time.

Getting to work a half hour early meant I was actually prepared and organized when the cherubs walked through my door. It also meant that I could leave only ten minutes late instead of my usual hour to two hours.

And now it's a little after 8. I'm tired and in bed. Sure, I'm missing all that our modern night life has to offer. No reality shows, no midweek drinks with friends, no running fifteen errands all over town, no IMing with my bff, and no trolling on facebook.

Do you think the pioneers knew what they were missing when they went to bed so early?

Good night, y'all.

All About Me

2009-10-03T21:04:00.005-04:00

Today I woke up in a bad mood. My head hurt, the cats were chewing on stuff to annoy me, and my throat hurt. I decided today would be a good day to hibernate at home doing as little as possible.

I was also a little put out that I was not invited to my nephew's congratulations/going away party at his mom's house. His mom was my best friend and roommate in college and is my ex-sister-in-law and still a good friend. All three of my kids asked, called, or texted me today to ask if I was going, but I had heard nothing about it and my feelings were hurt.

My plan was to wallow in my "poor me" sickly misery at home, but after my third child texted, I felt like I'd better go to keep my kids happy, and besides, I love my nephew to pieces and he and his new bride would be leaving for Maryland soon. I did want to see him and his new wife.

This is my life lesson for today. Don't be a baby. As it turns out, my sister-in-law called, but had my old number. She then left a message on my ex-husband's machine, but he didn't check his messages to get in touch with me. So there.

I spent the afternoon with a group of people I love dearly, laughing until I cried for a great part of it. My ex-sister-in-law and I had a great visit. I got over my sorry little self in a hurry, my head feels fine now, and I didn't even notice my sore throat while I was there. Not once, through all the laughing and joking, did I have a second of regret. I did feel much better, though, both physically and emotionally. Turns out the day wasn't "all about me" and that made it a much better day all around.

Working For a Living

2009-10-02T19:13:00.005-04:00

I like Fridays. People who work a Monday through Friday week almost always do. Who wouldn't?

But this Friday is especially nice. The kids are gone and the desks are empty. I have accomplished things this week. This was not just a week of keeping my head above water. For the first time in months, I have actually starting swimming. What a wonderful feeling! Working alone in my room after school, I have been able to plan ahead (what's a lesson plan?) and know where I'm headed.

Which makes heading into the weekend so much more enjoyable. No guilt, no stress, just relaxation. Hope your weekend shapes up to be just as wonderful.

All Grown Up and Still I Am Their Mother

2009-09-30T17:44:00.005-04:00

These are my darling children circa 1993. I was fully and enthusiastically engaged in blowing noses, putting bandaids on booboos, and wiping tears. That time flies so fast, so I thought.

Being a mother is a job that follows you to the grave I have learned. I'm not there yet, but at 50, I'm inching closer and this motherhood thing is still exhausting me on a regular basis.

Today's maternal heartache involves my son, who is 22. He has cholesteatoma, which according to New York-Presbyterian Hospital/Weill Cornell Medical Center is a "cyst made from the tissue and cells that make skin". It commonly destroys the bones in the middle ear responsible for hearing. He recently had surgery to clean out more of the cysts, reconstruct his ear canal and put in a prosthetic bone to replace the bones that were destoryed and restore his hearing, most of which had been lost. This has been an answer to my three years of constant prayers.

Yesterday, he had some of the packing from his surgery removed from his ear and he was deliriously happy that he could hear out of that ear for the first time in three years. He said he couldn't stop smiling. I couldn't stop smiling.

Today, he noticed he couldn't move part of his face. Fortunately, after a trip to the doctor, he has been told he has muscle weakness, which should clear up on its own. But his mother had a minor meltdown while waiting for that piece of news.

Do I still cause my 79 year old father this much stress, worry, and anxiety? Does it ever end?

Relaxing - It Feels Illegal

2009-09-29T19:48:00.003-04:00

I feel like I'm doing something illegal.

Here it is, a work night, a Tuesday night to be exact. Most weeknights I feel compelled to stay in work mode. I guess it's years and years of conditioning - coming home from work and taking care of three kids - cooking, baths, cleaning, laundry, schoolwork.

Although the last of my three is a high school senior, I still feel like I should be going home from my paying job and working for several more hours. Silly me.

So tonight, I had dinner out and now I'm at my oldest child's, watching a movie with her and my son. Okay, it's not exactly illegal, but it sure feels like it to me. I keep thinking I'm going to get caught by someone. Relaxing and doing something fun during the middle of the week? Positively illegal!

Why Do People Annoy Me So?

2009-09-28T19:53:00.003-04:00

I know. This sounds like a personal problem I'm having.

And under normal circumstances, I would wholeheartedly agree.

But here's the thing...

I have decided, after intense scrutiny, prayer, and deep reflection... that there are a lot of idiots in the world.

Not you and me, mind you. Of course not. Therefore, you will totally understand what I mean.

For instance:

*the annoying parents my daughter the teacher deals with who announced themselves in the front office, in front of children, mind you, as "the pain in the a** parents".

*the people who write comments to the newspaper online using the most heinous racial slurs everytime a minority is involved in a crime - even as a victim!

*the people who are sure they could run the government better (any govt. - I have no political affilitation), yet can't balance a checkbook or keep their own kids out of trouble.

*children who talk to me like I'm their hired help ("Hey, when are ya lettin' us in this stupid classroom?"), and the adults who think it's cute or don't know what to do about it.

*guys who walk around in 20 degree temps in a T-shirt and tell me they're not cold. I've never understood the point of that one at all. Of course it's cold. Duh.

I could go on, but you get the idea. And besides, I now feel much better. Maybe someday I'll post about the stupid things I do. But for today, this works for me.

Tranquility Now!

2009-09-26T15:08:00.003-04:00

This is a beautiful area not far from my hometown. It is the home of an Amish community.

Although I'm not planning to don a head covering and become Amish, I am definitely ready to dump my 60 hour work weeks and city traffic to meander country roads.

I'm working on it. Stay tuned.

My Pants Are Stuck to Me - This is Wrong

2009-09-23T22:25:00.003-04:00

I would like to go on record saying there is no fall in Florida. No Autumn, no transition from summer to winter, nothin'.

This is, in theory, the second day of fall, and it was disgustingly humid this morning. My shirt stuck to my back, my pants stuck to my legs, and that's as far as I'm going to go, but you get the idea.

There are no changing leaves, no brisk breezes, no chilled night air. Nothing to signal the passing of seasons.

One of my students did need her sweater today, however. The AC was giving her chills.

Don't Mess With My Baby.

2009-09-21T21:04:00.003-04:00

This evening I sat with my daughter and held her while she cried. I played with her hair, told her everything would be okay, which it will, and just let her cry it out.

When I had my children, people said you never stop being a parent. On a logical basis, I knew what everyone meant. But listening to my 24 year old sob over the phone because someone is being mean to her - it's gut wrenching, knife in my heart stuff. All I could do was let her in my front door and hold her tight.

I was never one of those moms who fought their children's battles. I never went to school on behalf of my "baby". Probably because as a teacher, I often saw the other side of the situation. When my kids fell down, I would say, "Oops! You're fine. Get up!"

So why do I want to run to my child's defense now? I am fighting every urge in my body to run to my daughter's boss to tell her to leave my girl alone. I believe with all my heart that she will only grow stronger if she stands up for herself, is willing to learn and grow, and doesn't depend on others to fix her problems. But, good Lord, do I want to fix this for her. I just want to be her Mommy once more.

My Life's in the Toilet, but It's a Really Nice Toilet

2009-09-20T22:06:00.003-04:00

I have not posted in quite some time. Life has been difficult, from a middle aged, middle class point of view.

Since returning from my tremendous vacation this summer, I have been served foreclosure papers on my house. Not surprising, but demoralizing, none-the-less. I had to quickly find a place to live, find an attorney, etc. etc. Done.

My school year started with a colleague being accused of something by our principal that turned out not to be true, but caused my colleague considerable stress and hardship, which broke my heart. I now am very leery of my administration and don't feel comfortable at work, which greatly saddens me.

My daughter is also having a miserable year at work. She is a teacher at a school with wealthy parents who are used to getting what they want. Her new principal is trying to find a balance between pleasing parents and standing her ground. My daughter cried every day last week. My heart is breaking right now.

My son had surgery on his ankle two weeks ago and surgery on his ear last Monday. He has also had a gall bladder attack this week. He is physically miserable and I can't do much to help.

My youngest made a youthful mistake a couple weeks ago that could have gotten her into huge trouble. She was grounded for the first time in her life. That caused me considerable stress.

So at the moment, my life is in the toilet. But then, when I start to feel really sorry for ME, I look around. My oldest is bright and a great teacher, my son will heal and should have most of his hearing restored, along with getting a stronger ankle, my youngest has only made ONE mistake and has humbly submitted to her grounding, and I am now living in a very nice apartment which I can actually afford. My credit is ruined, but I pay cash for everything now, which is keeping me out of debt. I plan to leave my teaching job at the end of the year and head home to find a new path, which is exciting!

Other people are out of work, dealing with cancer, losing their lives at war. These are real problems. So my toilet is actually quite nice, compared to some peoples'.

FYI - The photo is of the portable toilets brought in for my cousin's wedding. They had AC, electric, designer sink, the works. I dubbed them the "Taj Me Potties".

It's Good

2009-07-05T21:29:00.004-04:00

Our drive from Florida to New York went well and was uneventful, as I prefer my 24 hour drives to be. We rolled into my brother's driveway Wednesday and have been eating my sister-in-law's fantastic cooking ever since. I have hugged large quantities of cousins repeatedly, and generally had a fantastic time.

The reason for the trip was to attend my cousin's wedding. She was married Saturday to a wonderful man who has been a family friend for many years. He has been a father figure to her three kids. The circumstances of how their relationship changed from friendship to romantic partnership are complicated, but I believe they were led by God.

Their wedding was casual, faith filled, funny, and a collaboration of loved ones. Which is a complete and total reflection of how these two live their lives. All five of their combined children were involved in the ceremony, plus the bride's "almost son", a former student who treats her like a second mother. The entire wedding was planned and executed by family and friends. It was the best wedding I have ever attended. And the bride and groom were happy and relaxed the entire day. They are very much in love. I am not counting on ever having this kind of relationship in my life, but this wedding was a joyful celebration of the possibilities that exist when God has a plan. God bless you, Tom and Linda. I love you both.

Homeward Bound!

2009-06-29T21:38:00.002-04:00

Tomorrow is the big day! My daughters and I pack the Jeep, grab the TripTik, and head north.

We are headed to my home town, way up in New York State, a fer piece from Florida. I moved away almost thirty years ago, but nothing makes me happier than to be home again.

And look at that view. I mean, really. That white line? That's Lake Erie in the winter. Beyond that is Canada. My cousins and I grew up hiking creek beds, climbing hills, riding bikes down those hills (hoping the brakes held!), and after thirty years, when I walk into the one big restaurant in town, I always run into people who still remember me. I'll try to get some summer pictures on this trip. It's really lovely. See you when I get there!

Mortality - It's Obnoxious

2009-06-28T18:06:00.005-04:00

The whole point of this blog is to reflect on my life as I enter my 51st year. It's a chance to see new opportunities, new beginnings. A fresh start.

So the news has been bleak this week. Especially the deaths of Michael Jackson and now Billy Mays. I swore I was not going to join in the already overabundance of comments on the death of Michael Jackson. His death was premature, but I know there were most certainly life choices that led to his early passing. I hope he finds peace now that he didn't have on this earth. That's the end of my commentary.

Then, my daughter informed me this morning that pitchman Billy Mays had died. He, too, like Michael and me, was 50. Unlike Michael, or me for that matter, he seemed very fit, healthy and prosperous. It seems he got a bump on the head from a rough plane landing yesterday. Then he didn't wake up this morning. An autopsy will be done to determine the cause of death.

Life is so unpredictable, isn't it? Waiting for happiness, health, time to do the things you want to do. The older I get, the more foolish waiting seems. I feel anxious to make changes in my life, to live where I want to live, to spend my days as I wish, to not be a slave to my paycheck. This week has made me think deeply about these things.

The Long and Winding Road

2009-06-25T20:46:00.003-04:00

So I woke up late this morning - again. Threw in my eye drops for my horrid ooky pink eye. Who gets pink eye when they're fifty, for cripes sake??

Had a nice morning with my summer school students. Then got a call that if I met my ex at a little after noon, he would pick me up and I could go to our daughter's closing ceremony for her Summer Studio at the Art Institute. She has had a ball learning some culinary basics for four days and I hate to miss any of my kids' things, so I said sure. So instead of having lunch and relaxing, off I headed. The celebration was very nice, the food was delish, and my daughter was happy I made it. Cool.

Then I rode home with my child. In her un-airconditioned car. In Florida. At 3:30 on a sunny afternoon. With a migraine. Uh huh. Then I picked up my car, which is actually my son's. It kept wanting to overheat, so I shut of the AC. Geesh. About then I remembered I'd had no water for hours and very little food today. Less than brilliant move.

Now the long and winding part of this story, and the reason for the photo, is that I drove straight to Weight Watchers. And.... I LOST 7 POUNDS THIS WEEK!! Makes you want to climb a bunch of steps and jump for joy at the top!

Incidentally, that is not me. That would be me if I was my 23 year old daughter and weighed WAAAAYYYY less. That's what she gets for sending me her vacation photos!

Is It Hot Yet?

2009-06-22T21:10:00.003-04:00

For those of you in the northern states, where temps have been not so summerish, I'd like to invite you to my living room. I am in Florida. In an old house. My air conditioning has been working 24/7 for weeks now, feverishly trying to keep my uninsulated wood frame house cool. It's after 9 p.m. here, and it is 85 degrees in my living room. I can't wait to go upstairs to my bedroom to see what that's like. I've avoided it since I went to work this morning.

I do have iced tea in the fridge along with my beloved oscillating fans. So when I head up north in a couple weeks with my sweaters and jeans packed, you are welcome to warm up in my living room!

So, if anyone has actually read this blog more than once, you may have noticed I redid my background and header, with very little knowledge of what I was actually doing, I might add. Which explains why it's hard to read the subtitle in the header. I know virtually nothing about html code except how to copy and paste it, but if any of you have suggestions for how to fix it, I would love the input. Plus, the empty frame in the header looks kind of silly, doesn't it?

Also, I think I may need to rename my blog whining after 50. It feels like I do a lot of that. Could be the heat. I dunno...

My Daughter is Trying to Kill Me

2009-06-21T21:20:00.004-04:00

The girl was not using her head today.

She left work to join me, and much of her own and extended family who was already gathered at her aunt's house. She's made the trip hundreds of times as a passenger, but this was her first time driving herself up - a 40ish minute drive.

Like the thoughtful daughter she is, she texted me to let me know she was on her way. That's my girl. Shortly after that, my phone rang.

"Mom!" She had that "I'mscaredIdon'tknowwhattodo" voice. Scared the poop out of me. I thought she'd been in a wreck. "I'm coming up on the toll booth and I don't have any money! What do I do? Quick! I'm almost there!!!"

Always thinking ahead, that girl.

So she pulled over, but while she was pulling over, I could hear her squealing, which I could only imagine was her reaction to almost hitting or getting hit. I didn't ask. Her father, also at this get together, didn't get out of his chair. Fortunately, her cousin Sean, for whom we were getting together, yelled, "I'm coming, Kayla!". He was followed out the door by his girlfriend, another cousin, and my oldest child. Sean just returned from Iraq - he is my hero in more ways than one!

As the rescuers were leaving, Hero's sister said, "I've done that. She could have told them she was out of cash and they would write down her info and send her a bill."

Huh. Good to know. NEXT TIME.

I Rode Five Miles Today

2009-06-19T20:01:00.004-04:00

I was not sick in bed with a migraine today. In fact, I drove my porky self over to the Y, where I rode the stationary bike for 40 minutes, burning 100 calories and covering just over 5 miles. I got my heart rate up, kept it up, and didn't fall off the bike. I'm pretty darn proud of myself, considering I was afraid I was turning into an invalid a week ago.

By the way, this is Carolyn. She is my Dad's sweetie (and the "older woman"). Well, she's my sweetie, too, actually. My goal is to be as healthy as her so I can live as long as her and to look as good as she does at 80+. She puts me to shame. Nails done, hair done, makeup on and dressed to the tee. She rocks!

So I've Been on a Little Hiatus...

2009-06-19T00:18:00.002-04:00

March to June - that's not too long between posts, is it?

So I had the big birthday, thinking it was really no big deal. Then I started a fairly long term migraine, during which time, I had parent conferences, followed by field trips, followed by end of the year stuff. Of course I can't eat when my head is pounding, so I got run down and just wanted to sleep whenever I wasn't working. I had absolutely nothing uplifting to put in a blog post. So I didn't.

By the way, Barbie is here to remind us all that turning fifty really is no big deal. She looks fabulous - nothing sagging, jiggling, or aching on her! I'm beginning to loathe that chick.

Lest you think I plan to spend the second half of my life whining continually, I bought new sunglasses to get the glare out of my eyes (bad for my head!), drove over to the Y and got an annual membership, and went to Weight Watchers this evening, after a REALLY long hiatus.

As my 78 year old father has reminded me several times lately, "Until you're fifty, your body takes care of you. When you turn fifty, you have to take care of your body." Yes, Dad.

A Joyous Heart is Hurting

2009-03-18T20:21:00.002-04:00

Sometimes I vent, well, whine, about my students, my finances, my aches and pains. Sometimes I forget how very lucky I am.

I have a wonderful friend and coworker who I occasionally refer to as "Mary Sunshine". She literally uses phrases like "golly day" and "rootin' tootin'". I kid you not.

If I am having a bad day, I can walk into her classroom and tell her I need a hug and BLAM, she's right on top of the situation with reassuring words and reminders of what an awesome human being I am. (She is prone to exaggeration, but never lies!)

"Mary" is in her early 40s, married to a great guy, and the mother of a ten year old son. She developed high blood pressure while giving birth to him and not long after, developed pericarditis during a medical procedure. Her quality of life has not been the same since. She wears a pace maker, suffers from migraine, and must take steroids to control her ailments. Her blood pressure has been going higher and higher over the past several months.

Tonight she sits in a bed at the E.R. She went yesterday afternoon because she felt so terrible. She spent five hours throwing up, most of that waiting to be seen by anyone. It is 29 hours later and they have yet to find her a bed in a room. I am very angry about this. She is indeed in a bed in the ER, which is good, but her blood pressure is through the roof, and two CT scans show something is wrong - possibly a brain bleed. They will do another tomorrow. "Mary" is allergic to the dye she is given, so tonight they will give her large doses of Benadryl. And she will spend another night in the ER, most likely.

Her husband must go home soon to take care of their son. They are trying to keep his routine as normal as possible, I suppose. He does not realize how serious this is.

Later tonight, when the noise of the ER keeps her awake (unless the Benadryl blessedly knocks her out good), who will give my Mary Sunshine a hug and tell her how awesome she is? I don't like this at all. Please say a prayer.

Too Young to Feel This Damn Old

2009-03-02T21:15:00.002-05:00

I am in bed, well before 8 p.m., mind you. I am not sick and I don't have a migraine. (Thank you, Jesus!)

I am just exhausted. This has been a growing problem over the past few months, and it doesn't seem to be improving much. I've decided it must stop. I am too young to spend my evenings and weekends in bed, like some frail southern belle in some old movie. I am not frail, nor am I southern, and I am not old!

So I am going to stop ignoring this and go back to my doctor and ask for some blood work to be done. After all, my friends have all diagnosed me already anyway, with thyroid problems, anemia, stress, etc., etc. I might as well have an actual doctor put her two cents in, ya know?

I enjoy my life too much to keep being a tired little poopyhead.

Okay...It's Cool

2009-02-23T20:31:00.003-05:00

The last time I posted, I was a little chagrined to be called Grandma by one of my students, well, three of them at different times, actually. Now, I am fully aware that I will be fifty in just over a month, so it's not like I should be offended that someone overestimated my age. I just wasn't quite ready to consider myself the grandmotherly type.

The exquisitely handsome young man to the left is my neice's infant son. He came for a visit and as you can see, we couldn't keep our hands off him! He is my sister-in-law's first grandchild, and she is rejoicing in the whole experience. She is also a year younger than me, by the way. She is the least grandmotherly person I know, but she is thrilled to death.

Jan hasn't decided what she wants to be called yet. She isn't real keen on Grandma, her mother is Nana, so that's out. Her brother suggested Granny Janny, but she just rolled her eyes. She says she wants something different, like CoolJ or something like that. Somehow I don't think that's gonna fly, either.

But after seeing how much fun my sister-in-law is having, and how absolutely edible that little baby is, I'm beginning to consider the idea. I could be a cool grandmother, too. Maybe I could be GrandQ (that's for Queen, btw).

A Paradigm Shift

2009-02-14T23:44:00.003-05:00

I am becoming my mother. Now, that's not a bad thing, in and of itself, it's just that... well, I am having to admit to myself that I am old enough to be my mother.

And for the first time in my career, I have had not one, but two students call me Grandma. Not Mom, which is pretty common. Grandma.

Hmmm.... I am going to have to let that settle into my brain a little bit before I embrace it.

She is Just So Cool!

2009-02-05T17:34:00.002-05:00

The good looking chick in the photo is my daughter. She likes to take pictures of herself. A lot. Most of them are extremely goofy shots taken on Photo Booth and therefore make her look like an alien, but this one is kind of artistic, so here it is.

One of the nicest things about turning 50 this year is that my youngest child will be turning 18. And my little baby, the one I never wanted to grow up, because she was my last, has grown up without my permission. And thank God for that.

She has become this incredibly funny, entertaining, insightful woman. She is a no-nonsense, plan your work and work your plan kinda girl. This has come in quite handy when I have been wandering around in a daze trying to figure out how to pay my bills with less money than I had last year. It's also quite useful when my head is pounding and I don't have the strength to walk downstairs for a glass of water. This girl loves to get on the phone and talk the phone company out of services or into reducing her bill and she is always successful. She was her oldest sister's wedding planner, and the wedding was beautiful. She is a sight to behold.

Look at her picture closely. At some point in the future, she will be Queen of the World. She will be a benevolent ruler, but she will run an efficient, no nonsense world. Idiots will not be tolerated. She budgets money like no one's business, so there will be no waste. Slackers will be punished by a severe ranting from the Queen. The best part for me personally, is that I will be taken care of in my old age - I'm sure the Princess (she's not the Queen yet) is already planning for my financial well-being. I'm sure I will be given a lovely wing in the Grand Palace, which will be located somewhere in the countryside, with probably a winter home in a warm climate.

Yep. Entering the second half century of my life is going to be a breeze as long as I'm the mother of the Queen of the World!

2009-02-01T22:18:00.003-05:00

It seems like it's only been a few days since I last posted, but in reality, it's heading into two weeks. Somehow the days slip past me, one day rushing into another, with little time to stop and reflect, much less eat real food, take out the trash, or much of anything.

This is not how I like living my life, but then again, who does. This past week, in particular, has been trying, to say the least. My migraine has followed me in and out of sleep, day in and day out, which slows my thinking, my movement, and my enthusiasm for life in general.

Then there was this gnawing worry that settled into my bones early in the week. It even entered my dreams, leaving my exhausted and unsettled when I awoke each morning. I am not a big believer in premonitions, but generally, when I walk around feeling like something is not right, something is actually not right.

On Thursday, I found out my aunt's sister-in-law had died. Now in small town life, that is meaningful. This woman gave birth to her daughter the day after I was born, so her daughter and I have literally known each other all our lives. "Aunt Thelma" became a well-known, very talented water color artist, whose work is found on greeting cards, and more importantly to me, my home. She will be missed by her family, and I will miss seeing new artwork from this talented woman.

On Friday, my son had surgery to put in place prosthetic bones to replace two bones eaten away by disease in his ear. This was to restore the hearing he has lost. Unfortunately, the disease that destroyed the bones has returned, had to be removed, and the hope of returning his hearing is all but gone. His dad and I were devastated. He is only twenty-one, and had hopes of returning to the military, which had given him a medical discharge.

After spending the weekend in bed, sleeping off my migraine, I sit here this evening, pondering the past week or so. My son has his health, and is young and strong and can hear just fine out of his other ear! He is looking for work while his ear heals. Aunt Thelma, the artist, raised four children, taught piano and organ until she found painting at the age of 53. She had a long, happy career until she died at the age of 77. The children whose parents I met with have loving parents who will do whatever they can to protect their children.

Therefore, I am not responsible for anyone's heartache or happiness. This is what has been on my shoulders for days and days. I have one child left at home who more or less takes care of herself which means I really only have to be the boss of me.

I am much better off, and I think my head hurts a little less, when I remember this.

Oh Boy

2009-01-21T20:36:00.004-05:00

Who knew a head cold/migraine double header could put me in bed for four solid days? Four days of sleeping with only minor interruptions for a meal here and there, one dentist appointment, and report cards done from my bed. Rather pathetic and not something I hope to do again any time soon.

Today started out not much better than the previous four days, although I could lift my head and get dressed, so hi ho, hi ho... On the coldest morning we've had this winter (cold for Florida, mind you), I broke out my winter coat and trudged to school, makeup-less and without the least bit of enthusiasm.

As the day went on, I began to feel better and better, which led to a lovely end to my day. I found a text on my phone from my son as I headed to my afternoon meeting. "Wanna do dinner?" We ended up going out to eat, watching a movie together while I finished my report cards, and thanks to my son's love of Marie Callendar's razzleberry pie, I will be eating warm pie soon. He's a good boy, my son. Life is looking up!

Now if I could just get rid of the last of this headache.

Hot Saturday Night

2009-01-17T20:21:00.004-05:00

One of the pitfalls of being on my own is that when I wake up with a miserable head cold and sinuses so packed my teeth ache, there is no one to feel sorry for me and wait on me hand and foot.

This is definitely a big minus on the list of "Things About Living Alone". I have spent the day being a miserable, snotty, ooky, recluse. The dirty dishes have piled up, the laundry sits undone, and I have slept all day, except to take Advil and cold medicine.

The upside to the day, is that although I am alone this weekend, I am loved, even from across town. Upon waking at 7 this evening, one call to my daughter brought her running with food, drink, and a smile.

And then out the door she went. Hey, she's 17 and it's Saturday night, after all.

We're Off! But We Already Knew That..

2009-01-14T19:53:00.006-05:00

Last night I spoke with my cousin Linda. She and I are the same age, we both are teachers, both divorced several years, and both have three kids. Unlike me, she has found a remarkable man and they are planning to get married this summer. I told her I will be stashing money away because I wouldn't miss her wedding for the world!

Later, I picked up my 17 year old from work. I told her my plan to drive up home to New York for a couple weeks and told her she was welcome to come if she didn't mind taking off work this summer. She jumped at the chance! Today, I e-mailed her sister, who is married. She is interested, but of course will have to discuss it with her husband. I am glad she understands that part of the partnership of a marriage involves discussing such things and coming to mutual agreements.

But this evening, I realized what a gift I have in being single. I decided in the blink of an eye to make this trip. I didn't have to consult with anyone, or ask how they felt about it. My excitement is not being tempered by another's lack thereof. I'm already thinking about what CDs to put in the car - both my girls and I like to sing movie soundtracks at the top of our lungs while driving. We have Moulin Rouge and Chicago mostly memorized!

Although there is something lonely about being alone, there is also something exciting about planning an adventure just as I want it. There will be no guy songs playing (in my past life that was Pink Floyd), the car food will be just what my girls and I like, there will be pillows and blankets instead of CB radios and radar detectors, and we'll laugh our butts off for 1300 miles.

Exploding Head, Part II

2009-01-11T00:54:00.003-05:00

So my head didn't actually explode. It did have it's fairly normal migraine ache, however. Which led me to take my Imitrex in hopes of not ruining my evening out with my ex-husband.

The head felt better, but I was left sleepy and not up for sparkling conversation, let alone a serious conversation on the ramifications of rekindling a relationship, what my definition of a relationship is vs. his definition, whether this is even a remotely sane idea, etc. yada yada blah blah blah.

I will have to admit, I was not a great date. The medication makes me very sleepy. When we returned to my house, I showed him some pics of our new grandnephew on facebook (he is just now advancing to the 1990s in technology - LOL) and then I basically fell asleep. Yep.

Interestingly, I have not done this to any other man I've dated in the eight years I've been divorced. This could mean something. Or it could mean that I'm now taking a whopping dose of Imitrex and I'm getting older. Whatever it is, it's not a good sign.

The Incredible Exploding Head

2009-01-09T21:08:00.003-05:00

I am alone, and I do like it.

My ex-husband and I have been able to retain a good friendship over the past eight years as we've raised our kids, and over the past few months have danced around the idea of having a relationship. Last week he flat out told me he wants a relationship.

I must be insane. I know I can feel my head getting ready to explode.

I get the strangest feeling, for reasons you don't need to hear, that what he really wants is to end the world's longest dry spell. Today I removed his hand from where it landed and he got the strangest look on his face. Kind of sad, really, but also kind of shocked.

Sometimes, even when I think I've become a more enlightened human being, I still do stupid things This may well be one of them. Tomorrow over dinner, when I explain to my dear, sweet (he actually has a heart of gold) ex-husband what my definition of a relationship is, we shall see if he's still onboard. LOL

And, if my head is still intact, whether he's got it figured out or not, I already have plans with friends for the next few weekends. I'm just beginning to have a life!

Twinkle

2009-01-08T17:53:00.003-05:00

One of the best things about being alone is the opportunity to eat out by myself. Yes, you heard me correctly. I long ago got over the idea that eating out by myself is somehow sad or depressing. Instead, I grab my laptop and head to one of the many places that offer wireless internet along with their sandwiches and lattes. While eating and checking my e-mail (or writing this blog post), I can take in the humanity that is bubbling all around me.

The high point of my day was the serenade I just received from the 3 year old sitting at the next table with her older brother while mom ordered dinner at the counter across the restaurant. While three "ohmagod" teenagers chattered nonstop nearby, I began to hear the tiny, measured voice of a precious blonde baby girl sing "twinkle, twinkle, little star, how I wonder where you are..."

For just a minute this evening, my heart twinkled.

Disclaimer

2009-01-07T21:52:00.004-05:00

Okay. This should probably have been my first post, but enthusiasm got the better of me. Although the name of my blog indicates I am over 50, I am a liar. At this point, I am a mere girl of 49 and will remain so for 3 more months.

But I suppose that is why I felt compelled to start this blog. I am beginning to reflect on what life as a 50 year old might be like. As a child, I remember feeling very sad when I thought of myself as a 40 year old! I don't think I ever envisioned myself as a 50 year old woman. That may have been too horrific a thought for me to fathom.

Now though, I am coming to realize there would be no way to envision a 50 year old woman because each woman, or man for that matter, is so completely and totally unique in their experiences, wisdom, and continued goals by the time they reach the half century mark.

So, for the next few months, I'm going to have to just imagine what it will be like to be 50 and write about that. Then in April, I will be able to write with the experience, wisdom, and authority I don't yet have.

Happy New Year to Me

2009-01-06T00:12:00.000-05:00

Okay, so I'm almost a week late. I'm pushing 50 - I'm not in a hurry anymore. Besides, it's taken me almost a week to decide if this year is starting off happy or not. Don't get me wrong. I'm not generally a Debbie Downer, despite my given name, it's just that it hasn't been a particularly great week for me.

I've spent most of it fighting a migraine and the rest of it coming to terms with the fact that I am going to have to hand the mortgage company the keys to my house. Which may have something to do with the migraine, who knows?

However, with that decision comes a certain tranquility I have been lacking. I now know what I have to do, I can make a plan, and I can move ahead. The beginning of 2009 holds the promise that I may take one of my low points and begin climbing up slowly - I don't move as fast or as impulsively as in my younger days, but with purpose and intention towards new goals and dreams. And that makes me feel very happy about the new year.